... I'm trying not to grow or change my body. I can't work out with you.
(ah, she's going to hate this.)
You know I'm Swedish, right... Well, I don't know why my father is. I'm blonde, so I think he must be Swedish too... Ryoko said I'll be too tall, and it'll scare her, and I won't-- be lovely or pretty anymore. She won't love me if I change, you know.
( Yeah. She'd go so far as to say hate is an understatement. Burning anger and impotent frustration - she hasn't missed how little he eats, or how slight he is, but she's never really pushed him on it. Simply offered food, joked about workouts and left it at that.
God, can't she just go to Shin's world and punch Ryoko? That sounds like a good time for Kate. )
You have to eat properly or there won't be anythin' of you to love.
( And that would make the world so much poorer a place. )
(and albeit she feels these things, there's nothing she can do to convince shin to be otherwise. ryoko is terrible - he's not blind. she also loved him when until then, no one else had ever had. he doesn't want to lose it.)
I eat enough. I'll keep this up until there's no possibility of me getting a growth spurt, and then everything's fair game.
( She can't force food down his throat, no matter how tempting it sometimes seems to be. )
... Wish you didn't feel like you had to.
( She wishes she had a way to make him shake off that influence, but that seems about as likely to happen as them finding a way to get rid of her nightmares. )
cw drugs prostitution grooming etc this is very problematic
(she's never going to get it. she explained her piece, as hard as it was, so he holds himself from the temptation of running from doing the same.)
I know what she is, Kate. I'm not stupid. She's the reason why I drink so well, started smoking, why I fuck so well since I was younger and why I knew what cocaine felt like even before I got to this place. She is also the reason I speak Japanese and I can read it, and why I didn't become homeless and starved to death. I'm not forsaking her.
( It's easier to see just how messed up something is when you're not involved in it. Kate learned that after she got her power, after she dumped her phone in the canal and cut herself off from that particular series of mistakes.
It holds true here, as well. The thought that he doesn't owe Ryoko all of this just because she helped him rings clear as day when she's not the one in that position.
But when you're there... how many arguments did she have with Marc about her choices with Graeme? (She owes him an apology for that, but isn't that what her contract is?) )
Never said y'were. ( stupid, that is.
She just... worries. Worries that he goes under the radar because he puts the attention on others. ) ... I want t' try and help you. If you ever want it.
Help me how? Are you going to stomp on my shoulders so I don't become a beanpole?
(not humor, he just doesn't know what she means by helping him. shin's fine. he's not perfect, not by a long shot, but he doesn't know what she means. no drugs cause him addiction, he's not for sale. there's no ryoko, or reira, only the scars they've left.)
... Don't worry, Katie. You take care of me enough.
(she doesn't have to worry. she loves him, and he feels it with each and every word, each and every caress. he feels it most at night, when she finds a position against him and snuggles just the tiniest bit, sighing before she is lulled to sleep.)
I'm difficult, but all in all, I'm fine. I notice the things you do for me, and I appreciate it.
( She does, even if she can't put the words to it. Talking to Shin is comfortable in a way Kate hasn't felt in a long time, his presence near instantaneously becoming so enmeshed in her own life here in Jigokucho that the only comparison she has for it is family.
And even that isn't quite right, but for the intensity with which she feels the need to do something for him.
She doesn't feel like she does that enough, even if he says otherwise. )
(well, she can get her drink if she wants. he's much better with a joint, and it doesn't get him so woozy. alas, he's not engaging. there has been too much crap in his body - a breather would do him good.)
( She probably could go out, get drinks in some shitty bar, make mistakes, but she's made enough of those in her life, and they're all hovering at the surface after talking like this.
She's tired, and instead of restlessness, it weighs heavily on her, beckoning her to stay somewhere safe for once.
( Weirdly, talking about your sexual trauma is not all that conducive to wanting to fool around. It is conducive to pouring yourself a shot of tequila and knocking it back immediately, though! )
but he'll reach for his guitar, tunes starting to fill the room with a joyous rhythm. should get the mood a little better, and hopefully, it'll make kate drink a little less.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cw grooming and starvation also HELLA STOCKHOLM SYNDROME
(ah, she's going to hate this.)
You know I'm Swedish, right... Well, I don't know why my father is. I'm blonde, so I think he must be Swedish too... Ryoko said I'll be too tall, and it'll scare her, and I won't-- be lovely or pretty anymore. She won't love me if I change, you know.
... I would rather stay like this.
Laughs nervously
( Yeah. She'd go so far as to say hate is an understatement. Burning anger and impotent frustration - she hasn't missed how little he eats, or how slight he is, but she's never really pushed him on it. Simply offered food, joked about workouts and left it at that.
God, can't she just go to Shin's world and punch Ryoko? That sounds like a good time for Kate. )
You have to eat properly or there won't be anythin' of you to love.
( And that would make the world so much poorer a place. )
no subject
I eat enough. I'll keep this up until there's no possibility of me getting a growth spurt, and then everything's fair game.
no subject
... Wish you didn't feel like you had to.
( She wishes she had a way to make him shake off that influence, but that seems about as likely to happen as them finding a way to get rid of her nightmares. )
cw drugs prostitution grooming etc this is very problematic
(she's never going to get it. she explained her piece, as hard as it was, so he holds himself from the temptation of running from doing the same.)
I know what she is, Kate. I'm not stupid. She's the reason why I drink so well, started smoking, why I fuck so well since I was younger and why I knew what cocaine felt like even before I got to this place. She is also the reason I speak Japanese and I can read it, and why I didn't become homeless and starved to death. I'm not forsaking her.
Why can't they just be cute...
It holds true here, as well. The thought that he doesn't owe Ryoko all of this just because she helped him rings clear as day when she's not the one in that position.
But when you're there... how many arguments did she have with Marc about her choices with Graeme? (She owes him an apology for that, but isn't that what her contract is?) )
Never said y'were. ( stupid, that is.
She just... worries. Worries that he goes under the radar because he puts the attention on others. ) ... I want t' try and help you. If you ever want it.
Re: Why can't they just be cute...
(not humor, he just doesn't know what she means by helping him. shin's fine. he's not perfect, not by a long shot, but he doesn't know what she means. no drugs cause him addiction, he's not for sale. there's no ryoko, or reira, only the scars they've left.)
no subject
( Does she even know what she means? Not really. They're both such tangled messes of hurt and scarring that help could mean a million things.
Kate's hands reach out, threading into both of Shin's, squeezing each gently. )
I don't know. ... I think that's up to you.
( Her thumbs stroke slow circles against the backs of his hands. )
Can't promise it'll be good help. ... Unless y'need me to punch someone. But you're th' first real friend I've had in a while, so...
( God she's so bad at this. How do you say "I don't want you to feel like you're alone"? )
no subject
(she doesn't have to worry. she loves him, and he feels it with each and every word, each and every caress. he feels it most at night, when she finds a position against him and snuggles just the tiniest bit, sighing before she is lulled to sleep.)
I'm difficult, but all in all, I'm fine. I notice the things you do for me, and I appreciate it.
no subject
And even that isn't quite right, but for the intensity with which she feels the need to do something for him.
She doesn't feel like she does that enough, even if he says otherwise. )
... I need a drink.
( This conversation has been a lot. )
no subject
(well, she can get her drink if she wants. he's much better with a joint, and it doesn't get him so woozy. alas, he's not engaging. there has been too much crap in his body - a breather would do him good.)
no subject
( She probably could go out, get drinks in some shitty bar, make mistakes, but she's made enough of those in her life, and they're all hovering at the surface after talking like this.
She's tired, and instead of restlessness, it weighs heavily on her, beckoning her to stay somewhere safe for once.
So, a beer and the couch sounds good enough. )
no subject
(ah, yes, the way of the romantic.
he just also feels like he isn't home enough, that's not something nice when you share a space.)
no subject
Not in the mood.
( Weirdly, talking about your sexual trauma is not all that conducive to wanting to fool around. It is conducive to pouring yourself a shot of tequila and knocking it back immediately, though! )
no subject
(because, duh. he knows.
but he'll reach for his guitar, tunes starting to fill the room with a joyous rhythm. should get the mood a little better, and hopefully, it'll make kate drink a little less.
thanks, power.)