( The worst part is that she knows these arguments. She's said them to herself a million times too. She should have said no. Could have pointed out that they were getting booze just fine and surely if people wanted drugs, it wouldn't be that much harder to do so.
Why did they need to rely on an old guy for them?
She stares into her beer, long and hard, stilling as the food comes out and she gestures for another drink before draining a good third of what's left in her own glass. )
... Why?
( There's an almost tired edge to her question as it comes out. Maybe because she's spent the better part of a year trying to stop blaming herself for not leaving before she ended up with that pill down her throat. Maybe because the familiarity of the story of someone she's already come to care for in such a short space of time knocks on too many wounds to know what else to do. )
cw depression drugs prostitution grooming etc this is very problematic
It takes away my choice, doesn't it, if I don't? I chose to leave Sweden and go somewhere I didn't even speak the language, to begin with, where all my supposed "family" won't look me in the eye. I might have had little say on what Ryoko taught me, and my situation there, but I could have focused on my studies and tried to at least get a middle school diploma while working under her. I didn't want to, it felt hollow to me. I could have been smarter and not taken on such a client who could definitely be trouble for me from the start, and you definitely aren't supposed to fall in love with your clientele, but I did.
I definitely didn't have to go see Ryoko that night, but I did. No one forced me to do that, I did it on my own. Just because the adults sinned and I'm young, doesn't remove my own sins... And they make me who I am, even if I shouldn't even exist in the first place. I can only accept my part of the deal, because otherwise, what am I? Just a puppet? I'm not happy with that.
( ...And there it is. That one, fundamental difference between them. Shin looking for his own part in things. Looking for the choices he made.
While she's just been letting the wave pull her along these last four years. Agreeing to everything she did because it seemed easier than getting into arguments and conversations. Finding the easiest out once her exams were done. The army would have been years of the same. Just following orders.
Her cheeks feel hot, shame and anger burning inside her at all his explanations. The desire to punch the people who made his life the way it is doesn't fully dissipate, but she feels stupid for trying to project her own empty years onto him.
Feels stupider for letting them happen, but that's nothing new. It's not like she doesn't know she could have made better choices. Could have just swallowed down the ache and kept running, instead of spending every day regretting that she quit. )
... Need the loo.
( And so, once more, she'll take the coward's choice in this and dart towards the back before she ends up punching the table or some shit. )
(that's the thing, though. shin too allows life to wash him by, but he wants it to be on his own terms. he won't fight, not on his own, he doesn't have the inner strength to do that. to really grab and run with something he wants, because there is no such a thing. he couldn't give a shit about being famous, what he liked were the nights in room 707, drinking silly and making great memories. the rush of the stage, having fun with the people he chose by his side. the warm hug of hachi, when she can. even that slipped through his fingers so quickly.
he's not stupid, he knows exactly what she's doing. being an object of projection is not foreign to him, that's much of what he does, as a musician, as a bought lover. he sees right through her that he spoke to her wound directly. it feels more of her problem than his.
once she's back, she'll find the clues to where he went. his cigarette pack is on the table, and if she looks outside, she'll see the light blue strands in the distance, a cloud of smoke on top of him.)
( It's less about any actual going to the toilet and more about the minutes she needs alone to punch a wall, letting the ache of her knuckles bring her back to the present. Time she needs to press cold water to her face and thank science for waterproof makeup.
Fuck's sake. She should be over this bullshit by now. Not doing this. She breathes deep, presses the spot where her hand aches once more, and looks at herself in the mirror, half expecting to see those too-bright blue eyes standing right behind her.
Soon enough, Shin will hear the door to the restaurant opening, hear steps approaching and see Kate making her way towards him, the sleeves of her hoodie pulled over her hands. )
... Sorry.
( She really sucks at saying that, so the fact that she's saying that should be taken for the honour it is, thank you. )
I... ( Shit, how does she even begin to explain this? )
I didn't want to ruin our night.
( ... She doesn't. Because of course she doesn't. )
(lost in thought he is. it's not that he's unaffected by all this, it's just that... being here is a bit of a blessing, actually. he has to face none of it, muster courage to change none of it, his melancholy is his alone, and if he does come back to life, he'll be different. older, perhaps, able to hold his head high, and this time away might explain to him whether he wants reira once he can have her. he might even be able to abide to his promise of surpassing ren, after all that. right now, he just wants to hide here. run.
and the drag he takes from the stick is so strong that he finishes it. nothing goes over his head, kate. he knows she's sobbed in that bathroom, he can see the redness of her knuckles and the tension in her shoulders. she didn't want to hold hands earlier, but shin himself reaches for it, only to wrap one of her arms around his waist, his own bringing her to his chest.)
You didn't. It was me, wasn't it? I was doing all that. I think maybe she did give me something, and I just don't understand what it is yet.
(his kisses don't do anything, but he presses one to her temple.)
I know you're going through things, I can tell in bed and out of it. You're too special to let that define you, alright? I know just from seeing it.
(oh, she should be feeling a warm rush, and he doesn't even know he can provoke it.)
( Oh, alright then. She'll let this happen, even if she's still not in a place where contact brings an immediate comfort. Shin, at least, doesn't seem to want to hurt her, ever.
That's enough for now. Enough assurance to let Kate tuck her head in under his chin, and when the warmth comes, she exhales. The compliment doesn't feel as awkward, and...
Ah. That's right. )
She gave you more than one.
( She can't tell him what they are, because the colours are meaningless right now, and still very faint, but they're there. )
... More than one?! It's just one, no? What... What are they, do you know?
(sadly, he can't hear her thoughts. three powers hanging from him, and he just experienced one at the worst time possible. at least it wasn't one of his worst memories, or else she would have been much more triggered, so much more agitated. still, she's close, and she's tiny, so he's able to press a kiss to the top of her head.
a miracle from him, really, hindering his growth like that.)
( A breath. She's gonna need to be able to look at him properly for this, so she pulls back after the kiss to her head, resting both her hands on his waist as she does. )
Not for sure. Haven't seen owt like it before. ( But... ) Guessin' the first one were some sort of memory sharin' thing.
( And surprisingly powerful, at that. The emotions had been overwhelming. )
... The others... ( Hm. Hm. ) Give me a compliment.
( That last compliment he gave had felt all warm and fuzzy, taken the edge off her mood. She's not 100% certain that it was a power, specifically, though. )
Edited (idk what happened there) 2022-07-20 22:12 (UTC)
( ... Why are you like this she is trying to do a scientific experiment here. (Sorta.)
That does feel good, though, sending a shiver down her spine despite the warmth pooling in her belly, and Kate bites back a groan before lightly shoving him, hands against her chest. )
That's not helping.
( How is she supposed to decide why she feels good if she's getting kissed like that? )
(it feels like a victory, he can't help the smugness overtaking his expression. her sounds are just so nice to hear, he feels a little denied of it, but it's okay. if after all this, she still wants to share her bed with him, he'll take it out of her.
fine, fine. hands up, as to prove there are no weapons, even if the damage comes from his tongue.)
( Well, that's a lie. But the compliment hits home anyway. That warmth builds inside her, removing any last traces of lingering sadness for the moment. )
... Your compliments can make people feel good.
( You would think that was an obvious thing, but she doesn't know how else to phrase it. )
(please, he was so excited, and once the aroma hits his nostrils, he takes her wrist to rush them to the table.
it's just a little colder, but it shouldn't be that much of a problem. he eats with a huge grin on his face, like it'll be his last meal until the end of the week.
Which... it is. As you would hope, really, when you're at an actual restaurant. Kate's a slower eater, nibbling and picking at things between drinks of her beer and pieces of idle conversation, but she makes it through a good portion of what she's been given.
Hm. )
You think they pack this stuff up?
( If she takes it home, she doesn't have to cook tomorrow. )
(he's going to pay for what he's eaten, and two of kate's beers, because she earned it. not him getting her to punch walls and cry at mirrors.
once it's paid, he grabs his guitar to hang from his shoulder again, offering her a hand to stand up. he knows kate doesn't need it, but it is nonetheless a thoughtful gesture, he reckons.)
( That's fair. And though she doesn't take his hand when she stands up, once they make their way outside and the idea hits her, Kate's little finger winds around Shin's. )
... I know.
( Follow her. Not that it's very far. They're just going to her apartment building. A quick detour to her flat, because that's not the destination in mind, they're simply going to drop the food off before they head up to the roof.
It's her favourite way to see the city, after all. )
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Why did they need to rely on an old guy for them?
She stares into her beer, long and hard, stilling as the food comes out and she gestures for another drink before draining a good third of what's left in her own glass. )
... Why?
( There's an almost tired edge to her question as it comes out. Maybe because she's spent the better part of a year trying to stop blaming herself for not leaving before she ended up with that pill down her throat. Maybe because the familiarity of the story of someone she's already come to care for in such a short space of time knocks on too many wounds to know what else to do. )
cw depression drugs prostitution grooming etc this is very problematic
I definitely didn't have to go see Ryoko that night, but I did. No one forced me to do that, I did it on my own. Just because the adults sinned and I'm young, doesn't remove my own sins... And they make me who I am, even if I shouldn't even exist in the first place. I can only accept my part of the deal, because otherwise, what am I? Just a puppet? I'm not happy with that.
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While she's just been letting the wave pull her along these last four years. Agreeing to everything she did because it seemed easier than getting into arguments and conversations. Finding the easiest out once her exams were done. The army would have been years of the same. Just following orders.
Her cheeks feel hot, shame and anger burning inside her at all his explanations. The desire to punch the people who made his life the way it is doesn't fully dissipate, but she feels stupid for trying to project her own empty years onto him.
Feels stupider for letting them happen, but that's nothing new. It's not like she doesn't know she could have made better choices. Could have just swallowed down the ache and kept running, instead of spending every day regretting that she quit. )
... Need the loo.
( And so, once more, she'll take the coward's choice in this and dart towards the back before she ends up punching the table or some shit. )
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he's not stupid, he knows exactly what she's doing. being an object of projection is not foreign to him, that's much of what he does, as a musician, as a bought lover. he sees right through her that he spoke to her wound directly. it feels more of her problem than his.
once she's back, she'll find the clues to where he went. his cigarette pack is on the table, and if she looks outside, she'll see the light blue strands in the distance, a cloud of smoke on top of him.)
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Fuck's sake. She should be over this bullshit by now. Not doing this. She breathes deep, presses the spot where her hand aches once more, and looks at herself in the mirror, half expecting to see those too-bright blue eyes standing right behind her.
Soon enough, Shin will hear the door to the restaurant opening, hear steps approaching and see Kate making her way towards him, the sleeves of her hoodie pulled over her hands. )
... Sorry.
( She really sucks at saying that, so the fact that she's saying that should be taken for the honour it is, thank you. )
I... ( Shit, how does she even begin to explain this? )
I didn't want to ruin our night.
( ... She doesn't. Because of course she doesn't. )
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and the drag he takes from the stick is so strong that he finishes it. nothing goes over his head, kate. he knows she's sobbed in that bathroom, he can see the redness of her knuckles and the tension in her shoulders. she didn't want to hold hands earlier, but shin himself reaches for it, only to wrap one of her arms around his waist, his own bringing her to his chest.)
You didn't. It was me, wasn't it? I was doing all that. I think maybe she did give me something, and I just don't understand what it is yet.
(his kisses don't do anything, but he presses one to her temple.)
I know you're going through things, I can tell in bed and out of it. You're too special to let that define you, alright? I know just from seeing it.
(oh, she should be feeling a warm rush, and he doesn't even know he can provoke it.)
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( Oh, alright then. She'll let this happen, even if she's still not in a place where contact brings an immediate comfort. Shin, at least, doesn't seem to want to hurt her, ever.
That's enough for now. Enough assurance to let Kate tuck her head in under his chin, and when the warmth comes, she exhales. The compliment doesn't feel as awkward, and...
Ah. That's right. )
She gave you more than one.
( She can't tell him what they are, because the colours are meaningless right now, and still very faint, but they're there. )
... I can see 'em.
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(sadly, he can't hear her thoughts. three powers hanging from him, and he just experienced one at the worst time possible. at least it wasn't one of his worst memories, or else she would have been much more triggered, so much more agitated. still, she's close, and she's tiny, so he's able to press a kiss to the top of her head.
a miracle from him, really, hindering his growth like that.)
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Not for sure. Haven't seen owt like it before. ( But... ) Guessin' the first one were some sort of memory sharin' thing.
( And surprisingly powerful, at that. The emotions had been overwhelming. )
... The others... ( Hm. Hm. ) Give me a compliment.
( That last compliment he gave had felt all warm and fuzzy, taken the edge off her mood. She's not 100% certain that it was a power, specifically, though. )
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(... give her a compliment? that's so easy, though.
and he's going to get punched from the way he does it, with lips attaching to her jaw, words low against her ear.
yeah, he's cheating, so he'll tamper with results and then, he'll have to compliment her again. OH, HOW TRAGIC OF A CHEAT.)
You're really hot.
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That does feel good, though, sending a shiver down her spine despite the warmth pooling in her belly, and Kate bites back a groan before lightly shoving him, hands against her chest. )
That's not helping.
( How is she supposed to decide why she feels good if she's getting kissed like that? )
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fine, fine. hands up, as to prove there are no weapons, even if the damage comes from his tongue.)
You're a very nice person.
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... Your compliments can make people feel good.
( You would think that was an obvious thing, but she doesn't know how else to phrase it. )
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(SORRY, HIS MIND STILL WORKS LIKE THAT. SHOULD HE START CHARGING FOR BEING NICE?
but wait. she said to be careful...)
Can I try the other way around?
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And... )
Wait... Like insults?
( Uh. )
Sure.
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(HE'S NOT EVEN TRYING.)
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...Ah! ( Jeez, rude much? She needs those. But it's little more than a twinge, thankfully. )
... Guess tha' works too.
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...
...
time to go back to the restaurant, on a very nice note:)
We're all doomed.
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This food better be good, then.
( She doesn't want to walk into doom on a bad meal, tyvm. )
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(please, he was so excited, and once the aroma hits his nostrils, he takes her wrist to rush them to the table.
it's just a little colder, but it shouldn't be that much of a problem. he eats with a huge grin on his face, like it'll be his last meal until the end of the week.
hahaha.)
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Which... it is. As you would hope, really, when you're at an actual restaurant. Kate's a slower eater, nibbling and picking at things between drinks of her beer and pieces of idle conversation, but she makes it through a good portion of what she's been given.
Hm. )
You think they pack this stuff up?
( If she takes it home, she doesn't have to cook tomorrow. )
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(he totally went ham on the menu, anyway. he could, technically, endure it, and he wouldn't be sick of it, but man. nope.)
Wanna get going?
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( She's full for now, so the last of the drink is drank, the food is sent to be packaged, and the bill is asked for.
Working off all that food sounds like a plan. )
Y'wanna go anywhere?
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once it's paid, he grabs his guitar to hang from his shoulder again, offering her a hand to stand up. he knows kate doesn't need it, but it is nonetheless a thoughtful gesture, he reckons.)
Up to you to decide where, though.
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... I know.
( Follow her. Not that it's very far. They're just going to her apartment building. A quick detour to her flat, because that's not the destination in mind, they're simply going to drop the food off before they head up to the roof.
It's her favourite way to see the city, after all. )
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cw: slutshaming
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cw eating... issues
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cw they be fucking
They got there eventually
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catch me deadeyeing work and deciding to write blowjobs instead
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